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It’s unwise to make love in the open
since our climate’s unsuited to lust
on all but a few days in summer,
if we’re lucky. And then only just!

Yes, it’s clearly in tropical climates
that exposure is not a big risk.
Here, cold quickly shrivels the ardour
so in Britain you’ll need to be brisk.

While a pair of pale buttocks can offer
a target to birds on a mission
like prudish great seagulls and crows −
and guano can dampen ambition.

So, never make love in the open,
as any such love is a snare
and delusion to those who may try it,
any age, any time, anywhere.

It is fraught with all manner of dangers.
But among the most drastic mishaps
could be pictures of you in flagrante
delicto on Google’s new maps.

If so, there is one consolation.
For, whether you’re big or you’re small,
Google takes rather blurred photos,
So size hardly matters at all.