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Or, The Alphabet Song Goes off at a Tangent

A You're Adorable,
B You're a Barnacle,
C is your Chosen kind of place.
Fastened to my substrate
You're an arthropodal Deadweight,
Spineless under crusty carapace.

E You're inExorable,
Can't you be Flexible?
Gee, you really know just how to cling!
You're a Heartless Incubus,
Joyless and Karbunkulous,
A barely breathing, hardly Living thing.

Though I prefer aneMoNes
You're growing on me by degrees -
Oh not in a good way, Obviously.
The Proof is in the Pudd'n:
As a Pal, you're not a good'n,
Because you're a crustacean, QED.

R R you Squashable?
Or maybe pressure-washable?
Time U Vanished now With XYZ.
Free of Cirripedia
My voyage would be speedier:
A copper-bottomed full steam ahead.