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Mary’s kitchen’s jolly pleasant,
English as can be;
Somewhere one might stuff a pheasant,
Serve a vicar tea.

Jamie’s kitchen’s really pukka;
Simple, classic, fun.
Want a bit of grub, old mucker?
Bish-bash-bosh, job done!

Heston’s kitchen’s forward-looking,
Full of hi-tech gear;
Flourospectroscope-based cooking
Comes as standard here.

Gordon’s kitchen’s far from muted;
Brickbats fly galore.
Clumsy sous-chef c**ts get booted
Out the f**king door!