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I call your brand-new trendy trainers
A loathsome pair of pocket-drainers!

I’m still a fan of breathing leather,
The best for any wind or weather.

I hate the feel of foam-lined rubber,
Like sinking toes in boiling blubber.

From man in street to John Paul Getty,
They make your feet all hot and sweaty.

Your soles are left as soft as jelly
And also, to be blunt, quite smelly.

Soon, what you wear acquires an odour
Unmaskable by spray or soda.
Defying fashionistas’ booing,
I spit on such new-fangled shoeing!