I never thought I’d lose my cool and glasses
To find the latter perched upon my head.
I never thought I’d cuss at surly arses
In blasphemy so blue, it turns cheeks red.
I never thought I’d be a curtain-twitcher
Exulting in the cul-de-sac’s affairs.
I never thought I’d be a stellar snitcher
Or yell “Get off my lawn!” with churlish airs.
I never thought I’d rock a frock of purple
Or swap my sassy heels for sombre flats.
I never thought my savvy inner circle
Would be a meowing clowder of stray cats.
I never thought I’d be a fast-lane tortoise
Fueling revving petrol heads with ire.
I never thought the freeze of rigor mortis
Could seize my knees before my legs expire.
I never thought I’d swig a nip of liquor
Before and with and after every meal.
I never thought my temper could get quicker
And venting it would glitter with appeal.
I never thought I’d relish every second
Delighting in perfecting my new role.
Now gods of grey and crepey days have beckoned
I’m ditching all reserve and self-control.
I never thought that getting old had skill in it,
But here I am, and BAM! – I’m bloody killin’ it!