(The burglary detection rate in London
is currently 4.7%.)
A constable from Dunstable
Who liked to spend his time
Avoiding all activity
Concerned with fighting crime,
Was asked to go one morning
To the office of his chief,
Who enquired, most politely,
Why he’d never caught a thief,
Brought murderers or vandals,
Or recidivists to book,
Or appeared to think they merited
A single passing look.
The constable from Dunstable
Thought long on his reply.
He was a man of principle,
And didn’t want to lie.
He thought about his failure
To make even one arrest,
And decided that, on balance,
Total honesty was best.
“For constables from Dunstable
I’d simply like to say,
Our fundamental duty
Is to stay out of harm’s way.
And those who think that my advice
Is just a load of rot,
Should waste no time complaining
When they’re beaten up or shot.”
The chief was quick to reassure.
Of course, he understood,
And agreed confronting villains
Would do no-one any good.
Indeed, the whole idea
Was a completely foolish notion,
And he wondered how the constable
Would feel about promotion.
The constable from Dunstable
Conveyed his grateful thanks,
As well he might, because from there,
He shot up through the ranks.
He found that his philosophy
Of never breaking sweat
Was so fulsomely embraced
That soon he headed up the Met.
And that is why, my brother,
When a low-life steals your car,
Or makes off with all your silver,
When you leave the door ajar,
Or you come across a no-good
Sizing up a bank to rob,
Don’t try to call a constable.
He won’t think that’s his job.