Diana Brodie: Hi, Darling! I'm on the Train


You will never be alone
when you're on your mobile phone,
though victims of your conversation
pray they will at every station.

Even though they hate your chatter,
most pretend it doesn't matter
and decide they'll be polite
instead of spoiling for a fight.

Rummage for your phone to start –
but first, some rules to learn by heart:
It's essential to explain
that you are sitting on the train.

Give long and slow consideration
to when you'll reach your destination.
Don't flinch at others' clear distress
that your station's Inverness.

One last thing you need to know:
Don't rush your call, go slow, slow, slow;
don't mind black looks, do not be cowed,
don't whisper, opt for VERY LOUD.