Andy Jackson - Suburban Deprivation

I’ve not had tummy tucks or tantric sex or Thai massage.
I’m never caned or off my face; I’ve never had it large.
I’ve not been liposucted or enjoyed a high colonic.
I don’t drink Aftershocks (although I’ll have a gin and tonic).
I never took a chill pill or a speedball or an E.
I’ve never dodged the soap or bothered God or hugged a tree.
I’ve never pushed the envelope or gone and lost the plot.
I used to think I knew more than I did, but I did not.

I’ve never had a pony tail, a goatee or a stud.
I could never have a nose job cos I hate the sight of blood.
I’ve never pierced my nipples or had tattoos on my back.
I’ve never found a window and then firmed it up by fax.
I’ve never taken umbrage, got the hump or kissed and told.
I never tried hot-desking (I prefer my desking cold).
I’ve never bigged a homey up or made a booty call.
In fact I don’t know half the things I think I know at all

I don’t know Billy No-Mates and I’ve never met his friends.
I might have gone Commando, but I don’t remember when.
I’ve not been banged to rights or kicked in touch or faced the facts.
I’ve never been a wannabe or took it to the max.
I’ve never squared the circle, walked the talk or paid my dues.
I’ve never blagged or bragged or shagged or skived or schlepped or schmoozed.
I blame it on society, or maybe I’m just shy.
Nice to see me. Who would be me?  Gotta go...goodbye.