Twenty-First Century Hedgerow
In winter months you hedges can look jaded,
So why not think about a change of gear?
It's time your whole ensemble was upgraded,
Those hips and haws and sloes are so last year.
Just wave your bare extremities around you,
Latch on to what comes wafting through the air.
Discarded drifts of packaging surround you,
There's nothing that the trendy hedge can't wear.
You edgy hedgerows know your special forté
Is styling garments from unwanted junk.
Plastic bags come almost prêt à porter -
Ideal for looks like vintage, grunge or punk.
Select a range of colours that allure you,
From Sainsbury's peach to Tesco's blue and red.
Their logos add a dash of haute couture: you
Can count on them for classy hedgerow-cred.
Let thorns and briars embellish them with slashes,
Let wind and weather shred them till they leak,
Then wear them loose as lacy scarves or sashes,
For that perfect touch of outdoor shabby-chic.
You leggy types who like your fabrics layered,
Try polythene for a slinky silhouette.
Its translucency has often been compared
To tulle, organza, muslin and georgette.
It's such a cool diaphanous material,
And sensuous when enhanced by rain or snow,
When dripping wet it can be quite ethereal,
With a risqué glimpse of twiggy limbs below.
Accessorise with durable synthetics,
Cartons, cans and cups are tailor-made.
Their contents make for flattering cosmetics,
Especially when they don't bio-degrade.
Complete the outfit with a bit of bling
Glam and glitz aren't just for the elite,
Customise those bags dog-walkers bring,
You know you're worth it - give yourselves a treat.
But regardless of your colouring or taste,
Hawthorns, hazels, alders, oaks or laurels,
When spring comes, this advice will go to waste:
We're expecting a return to pretty florals.