Competition 22: Non-starter

The challenge in Issue 22 was -

Concoct a likely or unlikely tale using the following opening line and a maximum of fifteen more :--

"Full fathom five my car key lies ... "

And the winners, in no particular order, are:

Seaside Nymphs

Full fathom five my car key lies.
In the back seat, I was going
Well with Coral; gasps and sighs,
Limbs entwined and juices flowing.

Pretty soon, the car was rocking
As we passionately played,
Lusting, thrusting, interlocking;
With my bone was Coral made.

Then her sister joined the humping
(Those are Pearl’s delicious thighs).
Our athletic grind-and-bumping
Freed the handbrake. Bad surprise!

The sloping beach, the car in motion -
Seawards it began to spin; it
Ended up beneath the ocean,
And, of course, the key’s still in it.

Brian Allgar


Full fathom five my car key lies      
No bones about it Carol made.
Such situations can arise
But this one’s worse still, I’m afraid.
My Range Rover’s been sea-changed
Into something quite deranged.
Ding-dong, key rings from afar.
My car key is in my car.

Ian Graham


Full Fathom Five...

Full fathom five my car keys are.
Oh how you loved that Jaguar.
Some seepage from her engine block
floats iridescent on the loch,
which for a while may mar the spot
where you lie, pet, but I do not.

Every woman has her place
and yours is now a classic space.
You'd become a crashing bore, so
Harrods' shoes and headless torso
jostle in a metal suit--
the XJ6's stylish boot.

Full fathom five my car keys are--
a shame about the Jaguar.

Geoff Lander


Full fathom five my car key lies.
I realised it wasn’t wise
To hurl them there, consumed with wrath,
And watch them take a liquid path
To finally settle on a mound
Of seaweed in Nantucket Sound,
But here’s the thing:   when one is irked,
One’s sentiments get overworked,
And there’s a fine old howje-do
As common sense waves toodle-oo.
I have to say my rage was royal;
All my blood was at a boil.
Now that I have settled down,
I’d like to drive back into town.
I can’t, though, for I recognise
Full fathom deep my car key lies.

Mae Scanlan


Full fathom five my car key lies
along with, inter alia,
a library book (now overdue)
on the Treaty of Westphalia,
the lunch (ironically, fish)
I'd planned for Alice, Frank,
cheap liver (for the cat), some Brie,
more vitriol from the bank.

And much beside. A car acquires
so much of life's detritus:
dank waterproofs, a shrimping net,
spare cream for things that bite us,
those empties for the bottle-bank,
old maps of Dorset, driving specs.
This Vauxhall, which I never loved,
and driver (George), my ex-.

D A Prince