David Seddon: Supermarket Survival Skills

I’ve been shopping at Aldi, and Bear Grylls was in.
He was glugging wee from a rattlesnake skin.
His camouflaged cheeks didn't blend in right
With the lettuce and leeks in electric light.

He seemed on the lookout for poisonous snakes
While pole-vaulting over ravines of cakes;
You may think I was dreaming, my mind a-boggle.
But I saw the crest on his Chief Scout's toggle.

It must be a bore, out hunting for tea,
Surviving the landscape of the frozen pea;
I could see that the products made him wince –
No cactus-needle gargle rinse!

No tinned contents of a camel's belly
(He had to settle for tangerine jelly)
No poison-dart frog cleansing scrub,
No reinvigorating guano rub!

The lack of flint had made him ratty –
No camp-fire with his beetle pâté,
And a cut-price plastic bivouac
Hasn't got protection like the skin of a yak.

Still, it's the perfect place to practise karate
Chopping up slices for a Pizza Party,
A trip to the stores can help sharpen routines
Like abseiling down to the runner beans.

Since the trolley is not his transportation,
He approached the till with trepidation;
Could the toughest of toughs under God’s Own Sky
Keep up with the pace of the checkout guy?

He chucked the lot in an old Army pack
And somersaulted out the chute at the back
To the perfect escape for this nervous shopper −
A dangled rope from a circling chopper.