Nigel Stuart: Chateau Pretentious

Two Dobermans on property warning notice

Residents must all refrain
from posting adverts meant to gain
support for worthy causes. Rent is due.
This is not a reservation
subject to adjudication;
try it on and you will find we’ll sue.

Furthermore, you must abstain
from all but French wines that attain
a Premier Chateau status. Or Grand Cru.
Plonk from any lesser nation
and we'll call the Sanitation
Inspectorate – that’s what we think of you.

As for cars, let’s say again,
that marques accepted will remain
restricted – ‘BRM’ - and that’s a clue.
While Bugatti beats inflation,
Rolls and Maybach speak of station.
No vulgar, red Ferraris or you’re through.

Other matters we explain
with detailed sulphurous disdain
that simmers in our small print. Read it too.
Failure in one obligation
will ensure defenestration −
kids, partners, pets and parents – then it’s you.

Property sign - Flat Residents Only