Peter Fereday: Apostrophising The Apostrophe

I've always been pedantic when it comes to punctuation;
I blame it on the grammar school, my seat of education
Apostrophe! You came to me one fateful hateful lesson.
A seed was sown inside my skull, and now you're my obsession.

A comma out of place might make me taciturn or silent −
Extraneous apostrophes will render me quite violent.
I'll search for them on notice boards and strike them down. Yippee!
I’m one of the four horsemen − yes – of the apostrophe!

I prowl around the market halls, I have to be quite stealthy
When hunting stray apostrophes, it isn't very healthy.
It makes me tachycardic to observe a flagrant case −
I zap it with my felt-tipped pen and barely leave a trace.

"Away, apostrophe!", say I, and send it to its death,
Or sometimes "Out, damned spot!" I'll cry. (That's quoting from Macbeth)
But if I'm indiscreet, I may be twigged as an invader
Which means I have to leg it to escape an angry trader.

So, if a stray apostrophe distracts you in a menu,
First you should use your Tipp-Ex mouse to banish it and then you
Can say to the proprietor, "I've just done you a favour.
Reward me with some free ice cream, just one scoop, any flavour."