(To a woman who claimed to have read a recent article I'd
written on the subject of paranormal phenomena and
strongly disagreed on the basis that she was a vampire.)
You claim to be a spook, a specter,
A silly Who’ll-Believe Detector,
The branch at the window, the knock in the cabinet.
Whatever you’re selling, I won’t be habinet.
I can’t be bothered hunting snipes.
You’re just the wind, or rattling pipes.
You’re sleep deprivation, or sleep paralysis.
You won’t hold up to scientific analysis.
You’re mental illness. You’re rabies or porphyria.
You’re LSD in the water. You’re mass hysteria.
You’re a dissociative state. You’re a lucid dream.
You’re a settling house with a creaky beam.
You’re a standing wave of infrasound.
You’re a temperature differential in wet ground.
You’re marks in a coffin from premature burial.
You’re interference on a TV aerial.
You’re a reflection in a roadside ditch.
You’re a plank of driftwood. You’re a radar glitch.
You’re a man in a suit. You’re a bear on hind legs.
You’re indigestion from rotten eggs,
Or undercooked meat, or fruit that’s not ripe.
You’re a secret Air Force prototype.
You’re a shadow passing in front of the moon.
You’re swamp gas. You’re a weather balloon.
No one can best me at rationalizing,
So even your claim’s not surprising.
You can’t convince me, so kindly desist.
I don’t believe in what doesn’t exist.
You’ve lied your best, but I’m not biting,
So stop insisting you’ve read my writing.