Max Gutmann: Gilbertian Scenes From Shakespeare

The Merchant of Venice

SHYLOCK:

Does a Jew not have eyes? Also organs and size?
Ditto passions and hands and affections?
Does he not consume food, or consider it rude
Should a weapon divide him in sections?

If you prick his physique, does he not spring a leak?
Does a tickle not prompt him to laughter?
If you poison his meal, does he not quickly feel
Rather poorly, and croak shortly after?

If you do a Jew dirt, will he not seek to hurt
You right back, just the same as a gentile?
What you've taught me before, I shall copy. My score,
Though, may reach to a higher percentile.

King Lear

EDMUND:

Goddess Nature, you're great! You're an absolute pip.
It is you whom I joyfully serve.
That a bastard's a dastard but never a drip
Is because you've endowed him with verve.

When one kisses one's missus, one's authorized mate,
Just because she's convenient at hand,
Maladroit is the coitus--at best second-rate--
And the offspring accordingly bland.

But when healthily, stealthily, sweetly two sweat,
And they sport with a spark of esprit,
Such arousal non-spousal is bound to beget
A magnificent bastard like me.