Melissa Balmain: A Literal-Minded Virgin Reads Robert Herrick

"Gather ye rosebuds"? If I may,
Who's got the time to garden?
To plant and prune the day away
While all their arteries harden?

As for the so-called lamp above,
Damn straight it's getting higher!
No sunscreen, hat, or canvas glove
Can save me from that fryer.

It's clear, from everything you've said,
You're with some yardwork lobby
That thinks a gal who's still unwed
Should pick this stupid hobby.

Screw that. I'll spend a little dough
And save my health and hours.
When I want rosebuds, I'll just go
To 1-800-FLOWERS.