Mary’s kitchen’s jolly pleasant,
English as can be;
Somewhere one might stuff a pheasant,
Serve a vicar tea.
Jamie’s kitchen’s really pukka;
Simple, classic, fun.
Want a bit of grub, old mucker?
Bish-bash-bosh, job done!
Heston’s kitchen’s forward-looking,
Full of hi-tech gear;
Comes as standard here.
Gordon’s kitchen’s far from muted;
Brickbats fly galore.
Clumsy sous-chef c**ts get booted
Out the f**king door!