Martin West: A Very Successful Diet

"I've lost at least a stone," Madge said.
Imagine! I had hardly shed
an ounce and had to listen while
she boasted with her cat-like smile.

She blithely slipped her jacket off
(no slimmer!), then began to scoff
a custard slice with extra cream
and, warming to her former theme,
announced that she had found a way
that helped her keep the pounds at bay
and didn't mean she had to miss
"such itsy bitsy treats as this".

I wondered what her secret was
and doubted her resolve because
the rumour is that she says "No"
less than Marilyn Monroe.
"What is it, then?" I asked at last.
"It's obvious it's not a fast.
Atkins? Dukan? Low Carb? Zone?"
(I've tried them all. I'm still twelve stone.)
"Which is it, dear? Or must I beg?"

It's then I saw. She'd lost a leg.