Peter Goulding: The Response Of St. Anthony

(Anthony of Padua, patron saint for the recovery of lost items)

I’m not looking for your lost stuff anymore.
I’ve been doing it eight hundred years, this chore.
Every time you lose your keys
and you can’t find them with ease,
you get down on bended knees
and expect me to start searching.

I’m not looking for your lost stuff anymore.
Frankly, I am finding it a bore.
I’m supposed to be at rest,
canonised and very blessed
but there’s always some damn pest
who expects me to start searching.

I’m not looking for your lost stuff anymore.
No more rooting in your pockets or your drawer.
Have you checked up on the shelf?
Have you tried to hire an elf?
Or even, maybe, looked yourself
As there’s no way I am searching?

I’m not looking for your lost stuff anymore.
I’m booked in for a round of golf at four.
I’ll be playing with St. Paddy
and the Duke of Norfolk’s daddy
with St. Francis as my caddy,
so, no way I’m starting searching.

I’m not looking for your lost stuff anymore.
You will have to be more careful on that score.
Do things right and don’t be lazy
even if your memory’s hazy.
Asking long-dead saints is crazy
so don’t think that I’ll start searching.