Alan Balter: Dead is Dead


When somebody dies, folks hardly ever say dead;
They prefer expired or deceased instead.
Most of the euphemisms don’t do any harm
Like biting the dust and buying the farm.

Consider falling off the perch or given up the ghost.
Taking a dirt nap is one I like most
Kicked the oxygen habit and gone off line
Are another couple of favorites of mine.

How about at room temperature or dropped off the twig,
Wearing a toe tag or played his last gig,
Bought a pine condo and six feet under?
Became a root inspector makes one wonder.

Try belly up and bit the biscuit
Laid down his burden and never missed it
Gone to his Maker and out of print,
In a horizontal phone booth for a permanent stint

Defunct, extinct, and in the crisper –
Most say ‘em much louder than a whisper
Gone to sleep city and passed his sell by date,
Cashed in his chips at the pearly gate.

Now I could go on but you get the point,
Have a fun life before checking out of this joint
And should you come to my funeral, don’t bring a thing,
Just sit back and listen to the fat lady sing.

Four gravestones in churchyard