I’ve often tried to diet, I know all the reasons why
in order to be healthy, I must sacrifice my pie
and my pasta and my pizza and the dumplings in my stew
and buttered toast with marmalade – but what’s a girl to do
when at every opportunity her friends produce a treat
saying “this you’ve simply got to try – it isn’t really sweet!”
and the biscuits in the supermarket all have chocolate topping
(now chocolate I cannot resist – once started, there’s no stopping)
and the Mediterranean Diet can’t compete with the cachet
of a supersized MacBurger, or Chinese takeaway.
So the salads and the vegetables I’m leaving on the shelf
having finally decided to stay supersized myself.
But since I know the theory, and long for recognition
I’ve opened my own business as an online dietician:
I’ve photoshopped my picture, it’s uploaded, all can view it
and I’ll tell my clients “see – with my assistance, you can do it!”
No need to waste the myriad facts I’ve learnt but failed to use –
I’ve advertised on Facebook where I hope for rave reviews
and to supersize my income from the not-so-modest fee
I’ll charge the plump who see my photograph, and yearn to look like me.