George Simmers: An Angel Comes To Huddersfield

In New Street, in the heart of town
A beauteous angel floated down,
Brandishing a mighty sword,
To do the business of the Lord,
Resplendent, dressed in purest white
With radiant halo shining bright.

In a rich, unearthly voice,
She cried out: Humankind, rejoice!
I offer you the chance to be
As perfect and as pure as me.
Renouncing wickedness and strife,
You too can live the perfect life:
All earnest prayer and singing hymns
To He whose glory never dims.
Human beings all have flaws,
But observe my simple laws
And you will find eternal treasure.
Just renounce mere human pleasure.
No gambling. No carousing boozily.
Your diet will be prunes and muesli.
You’ll eat no burgers and no chips,
No Walnut Whips, no cheesy dips.
Such human pleasures merely cloy;
I offer you eternal joy.”

A crowd had gathered as she spoke.
Several asked: “Is this a joke?”
Most found the sight of her surprising;
One asked: “What’s she advertising?”
Her look was stern and fiercely-browed.
She picked out one man in the crowd.
“You, Sir – will you follow me?”
He said: “No thanks, I’m C. of E.”

At which point a patrolling copper
Wondered – “Is this meeting proper?”
More than ten are gathered here
And viruses could spread, I fear.
“Madam, you’re shouting. May I ask
You wear a regulation mask?
Is that thing in your hand a sword?
If so, that is not in accord
With the Offensive Weapons Act.”

The angel, maybe lacking tact
Lifted her sword in strong defiance,
Not reckoning with modern science.
The officer whipped out a Taser,
With the intent to stun and daze her.
The angel yelped. It had not stunned her,
And was, for the poor cop, a blunder.
The angel’s sword of fire went flash,
The constable was turned to ash.
The angel’s power was immense,
But she had lost her audience.
The angel cried: “Let me save you!”
The crowd began to hiss and boo.
It's not that they disliked salvation;
They disapproved of street cremation.

Very soon it dawned on her
That no conversions would occur.
She flew back up, and told her boss.
“That Huddersfield, it’s a dead loss.”
God sighed: “You did your best, old girl.
Next week, give Halifax a whirl.”

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