Peter Hodgson: If I Have A Grandson . . .

If I have a grandson, which one day I might,
I’ll take him aside when the moment is right.
And explain how the world can be nasty or nice,
Then carefully offer these words of advice.

If you haven’t got talent, don’t go on the stage,
Never tell girls they look good for their age.
Don’t buy a house and then rent the thing out,
Steer clear of brandy, it just causes gout.

Don’t smoke cigars or boil milk in a kettle.
Don’t slide down banisters. No drinking Dettol.
Never start fights you can’t possibly win,
Learn the guitar, but please not violin.

Only lend money to people you trust,
Never tell Grandad a lie, you’ll be sussed.
Don’t drink so much that you have to be carried,
If a girl asks you out, just make sure she’s not married.

Only go out with one girl at a time,
If you fancy a beer please don’t mix it with lime.
I know it’s not nice being told what to do,
But don’t go to bed on a meat vindaloo.

And so my dear boy I just want you to know,
Whatever you do and wherever you go,
I’ll always be here. But despite what I’ve said,
if you need some advice . . . .ask your mother instead.