Samantha was a teacher at a local primary school,
she was young and keen and pretty, and unquestionably cool.
She hadn’t long been qualified, she didn’t earn a lot,
so she needed to be careful with the little that she got.
Samantha loved her job, she believed it well worth while
and she always maintained discipline, with tolerance and guile.
The kids were never easy though, in fact a few were tough
and the worst of them was Johnnie, a challenge sure enough.
Johnnie was a lively boy, but if we’re being blunt,
he was disruptive, so Samantha made him sit right at the front.
And there, since he found that he was under teacher’s gaze,
he decided, if he could do, to amend his wayward ways.
Each day when it was lunchtime Samantha used to eat
at Luigi’s transport café, ‘The Vesuvius Retreat’.
The food was cheap and cheerful but Samantha always knew
that the ‘special’ of the day would be good, and tasty too.
One day the lunchtime special on the menu was couscous,
traditional from Morocco, billed as très délicieux.
So Samantha thought she might as well as give couscous a try;
it came with egg and salad, but she found it rather dry.
That very afternoon, as it happened, was the one
that Ofsted chose to visit – of warnings there were none!
Miss Jones, the Head, decided that the lesson they’d inspect
was Samantha’s, and Samantha was unable to object.
She was teaching well, as usual, but didn’t know, alas,
that couscous has a tendency to make a lot of gas.
The aching in her tummy kept increasing as she taught
and she found that her predicament was fast becoming fraught.
Samantha did her best to conceal her agitation
but the couscous kept fermenting – and she felt a desperation
to relieve the awful pressure that was tearing her apart,
until, you guessed, she blew it in a cataclysmic fart!
You’d have to use the Richter Scale to calibrate the blast.
Consternation followed, the Inspectors were aghast.
Samantha could have died, it was so humiliating,
she knew that there’d be trouble – oh, it was devastating.
But though she was despairing, in her awful hour of need
Samantha thought to lay the blame on Johnnie for the deed.
She shouted ‘Stop that, Johnnie!’ and Johnnie shouted ‘Whoa!
certainly I’ll stop it Miss – which way did it go?’
There is no happy ending to this sad and sorry tale.
Ofsted ruled the school as ‘Inadequate’ or ‘Fail’,
and Samantha was dismissed, because the special of the day
from ‘Vesuvius’ erupted, and blew her clean away.