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My dear pet hamster, Ermyntrude, sought to win a prize
for turning more ambitious wheels of greater speed and size.
An entry in the Guinness Book of Records was her hope,
for which she thought her hamster-wheel gave insufficient scope.

She said the mill-wheel by the stream might be her sort of task.
Pets-R-Us had hamster snorkel gear, but not the right sized mask,
and a record-seeking rodent needs the benefit of knowing,
as it trundles underwater, just exactly where it’s going.

I took her to the London Eye. She thought it was a bore.
She said it wasn’t fast enough and made her back feet sore.
Then ambition turned her head, I fear. For, sadly, woe betide her,
she thought she’d take a spin inside the Large Hadron Collider.

She made me push the door tight shut and turn the “Off” switch on.
A flash of light, a strangled, “Eek!” and Ermyntrude had gone –
an accelerated particle of fur and fluff inside the
centrifugal doughnut of the Large Hadron Collider.

At twice the speed of light a hamster’s going much too fast
to get out at the Exit every time it flashes past.
So any hope of rescue would quite clearly be denied her
as she raced to meet her Maker in the Large Hadron Collider.

A hamster’s not a clever beast. They’re not renowned for brain.
It’s easy to poke fun at them and sneer; yet, in the main,
though cynicism’s easy it is heartless to deride a
victim of ambition and the Large Hadron Collider.

The Guinness Book of Records said she’d got to warp speed five.
They gave me her Certificate as she was not alive.
But what is a Certificate and headline news beside a
lifetime’s friendship lost inside a Large Hadron Collider?

Thus perished furry Ermyntrude, my sweet Collider Rider.
For me there is no hamster I could ever set beside her,
the tiniest of all Big Bangs there’s ever been inside a
slightly bloodstained billion dollar Large Hadron Collider . . .

Just recently the scientists have told us that they’ve caught
a glimpse of the elusive little particle they’d sought.
It’s brown,” they said, “And furry” – which surprised them as they’d thought
a boson was a particle of quite a different sort.

But I know what they’ve really found. It’s time for them to learn it
is a particle of Ermyntrude. I’m able to confirm it
is not a real Higgs boson – and they’ve all failed to discern it!
So I’ve written to the scientists and asked them to return it.


NOTE: Our founder's new collection I Think I Thought is now available in good time for Christmas. Full details can be found via LUPO's News section including a link to Martin's website