Now I’ve reached a certain age I take my daily pills
– blood pressure, cholesterol and other varied ills.
My prescriptions, once a month, or so, have to be renewed,
and Boots the Chemist seems to me uncaring – even rude.
But then I found that Tesco has a pharmacy that’s great,
the staff are nice and friendly, and I rarely need to wait.
Last week though, they apologised – there’d be a small delay.
I said, “That’s fine, I’ll wander round and then come back, ok?”
The day before, I’d added something to the shopping list
we keep at home to make sure nothing that we need is missed.
What was it? I struggled to remember, goodness me!
Ah, yes, tomato ketchup that I’d finished for my tea.
I sauntered up and down the aisles, in quest of ‘Sauce and Spices’
and found the ketchup near the curry, next to where the rice is.
They had a good selection – bottles large and small,
the shelves were full – they often are – Tesco’s on the ball!
Now as you may have noticed, inflation’s back in style
and the Personal Allowance has been frozen for a while.
We’re all in this together, it’s an economic mess,
the country needs to fund Defence, the Police, the NHS.
And they’ve had my Winter Fuel Payment, things are nearing crisis
so when I’m going shopping now, I scrutinise the prices.
I checked the ketchup section and I saw there was a deal.
Good, I thought, Tesco understands how people feel.
But when I read the offer it applied to every size –
hope turned quickly to dismay – I had to rub my eyes.
The offer was of 4 for 3 – only wanted one
it left me in a quandary – I don’t like being done.
And the ‘medium’ ketchup bottle that I emptied yesterday
had lasted me for ages – about three years, I’d say.
I quite like BOGOF offers, buy one, get one free,
but 4 for 3 is ludicrous, I’m sure you will agree.
It’s like someone in Marketing thinks everyone’s naïve,
when really they’re just smart-arses who’re trying to deceive.
Imagine, if I took the offer! Four of the largest size!
I could have ketchup on my cornflakes, why economise!
I could spread it thick like marmalade with dollops on my toast
and have bacon double-ketchup, and ketchup-lathered roast.
I could guzzle ketchup sandwiches and feast on ketchup stew.
and have ketchup with my yoghurt and ketchup cookies too.
I could throw a ketchup party with ketchup chicken thighs
and for afters, ketchup custard and ketchup apple pies.
I could make some ketchup cocktails and ketchup G &T,
and have ketchup cheese and biscuits, including ketchup brie.
And later at the blood bank I could offer them, instead
of blood a pint of ketchup plasma – ketchup iron-red.
But then I thought, “This isn’t right, it isn’t even funny.
they only want the customer to spend a lot of money.”
And I called a supervisor to explain my indignation
at the insult implicit in the offer situation.
He smiled and said “It’s not like that, just buy what you need;
at Tesco ‘Every Little Helps’ – that’s the Tesco creed!”
“Well”, I told him, “Tesco asks its customers to share
their valued feedback, here is mine, I don’t think it’s fair.
It’s just a silly offer to encourage waste and greed
in hard-pressed Tesco customers with families to feed.
There are other supermarkets I can choose from, it’s a farce,
so you can stick the 4 for 3 right back up Tesco’s * * * *!”