When I was just a child of one, I being my father’s only son,
He sat me on his bony knee and set about instructing me.
He warned of something I must shun, and its proponents, every one,
Not girls nor drink but even worse, it’s music that’s the devil’s curse.
He said that singing rots the brain, and whistling drives a man insane,
And ukuleles – oh, beware! – they make your palms grow thick with hair.
The cello’s harm is plain to see, one touch and you’ve got dysentery,
And every time a trumpet wails, it blackens all your fingernails.
Let’s not forget the vile viola, a likely spreader of Ebola,
And banjos have demonstrably left shattered lives from sea to sea.
The reedy crooning of the sax is what’s behind most heart attacks,
And harps are much the worst of these, they turn your femurs into cheese.
For bagpipes, yes, a special scorn, plus organ, bass, and flugelhorn,
Not one of them is free of taint – you might guess oboe, but it ain’t.
A hurdy-gurdy in your lap will cause your cheeks to bleed and chap,
And unless you want to die alone, don’t learn to play the slide trombone.
Piano undermines the brain, it’s worse by far than crack cocaine,
Just touch a keyboard, it’s a fact, you won’t escape with mind intact.
Accordions, research has found, will turn your elbows wrong-way ’round,
They twist your body out of whack – you’ll have to play it piggyback!
His lecture finally at a close, Dad kissed me on my button nose,
He set me on the floor and then he left me to my toys again.
I’d like to say I saw the light, and what Dad said was proven right,
But I was only two feet tall, and none of it made sense at all!
So I’ve played music all my days, of several kinds in several ways,
I’m neither rich nor recognized, I haven’t won the Nobel prize,
But overall I can’t complain, for music’s been more boon than bane,
And who’s to say I would have gained if, like my father I’d abstained?